i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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