You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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