3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
