Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
