So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Even my vagina gasped.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I need to sanitize my soul.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
