i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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