seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
