I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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