some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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