Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
