My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
