Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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