Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
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Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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