Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize