i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
