I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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