So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
