He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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