I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
