yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
