I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
