I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You're like the curious george of whores
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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