His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
