I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
