Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
