fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I CAN MOONWALK!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
