there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
