Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize