So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
