i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
