I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
