he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
