i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
