Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
