Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
