So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
