I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
