I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
