Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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