I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
