Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
