Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
