If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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