Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
