a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
