Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
