We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
