OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
