If i come over, it means nothing
If that was your dad, he is hot
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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