who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
You can't motorboat a personality
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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