are you still at the devil's house?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
