Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
