Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
