She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My boob is missing a layer of skin
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
